Nightmare of being an Internal Medical Physician

First of the month fun

Tis a busy night at the hospital, ER is rolling in admissions left and right, and of course it is the first of the month, so plenty of overdoses are arriving in bundles since everybody just took TWO FUCKING WEEKS worth of Percocet in one gulp which they bought from funds raised from selling their food stamps they receive because their baby daddy doesn’t pay child support cause he’s off fucking some other bitch in the ass.
So it is time to go down to the emergency department to admit these slimy pieces of shit to our hospital for a 36 hour ICU stay which will cost taxpayers around 12-20k depending on how many weaning attempts off of the vent it takes to get these fuckers back to their happy pill snorting selves.
So here am I am in the busy new ER admitting 3 of these tools at once and I get a page from the medical floor. Contrary to popular belief most pages we receive through the night are BULLSHIT requests for headaches, constipation that has been going on for 5 days (WHO THE FUCK DECIDES THEY WANT TO SHIT AT 0200 IN THE MORNING AND WHY THE FUCK DOES THE NURSE NOT FIGURE TO WAIT AND ASK WHO EVER ROUNDS IN THE MORNING SAVING US BOTH 5 MINUTES OF OUR TIME), insomnia, anxiety, and other piddly do da shit. But back to the ED, I walk in and of course there is family at bedside (of great now I have to ask what happened even though we all know this fuck-tard too too many of somebody else’s pills) so 15 minutes of my time will be wasted explaining why too much fucking Percocet is not good for you. Of course they are all drugged out pill-skanks who become defensive at the slightest hinting that the patient did this to themselves, so water must be treated carefully or I will get a call from administration in the AM with somebody complaining that I called their family member a fucking piece of pill snorting shit, thus wasting 10 minutes of my well-deserved sleep.
So of course the family asks the outcome which how the fuck do I know he didn’t take some other shit that doesn’t show up on the UDS, so I always offer conservative worst-case scenario news with no promises in these situations. After repeating myself 5 times since the family members either have their ears full force clogged with shitwax since they never bath, or just failed to fucking pass middle school (usually a mix of both), I make my way to the dictation room with the chart to jot down a simple set of admission orders.
My pager goes off again while making my way to the room, so I take the call and it is the medical floor again. This time somebody is asking for their pain medication (who would have thunk). So since I am on call for 70 patients on the average night I pull out my list “Joe Blow, respiratory failure, OD.’’ Now i do hold myself back to telling the nurse to fucking use common sense before paging me, but to save both of us later problems to take a deep breath and tell her the SOLE FUCKING REASON the piece of shit scumbag in 243 is in the hospital is because he took TOO FUCKING MUCH OF WHAT YOUR ASKING ME FOR. I politely explain that he will get no narcotics doing his stay unless he starts conFUCKINGvulsing in the floor, hangup, and continue to write orders on the other turd-sucking pilllicker in the ED.
The worst part of this case is the DAMN FUCKING TYLENOL they put in these pills. Oddly enough and well known to the medical community, the tylenol in the combo meds is actually the real danger. Thus the importance of always checking an acetaminophen level on these bitches when they come in the ED. God fucking forbid you forget to check it once (the ED usually does nothing more than a CT of the head, intubates the patient, and if your lucky a UDS, CBC, and chem10). Of course if your patient ends up shitting out a brick hard liver out of his asshole its your fault even though HE overdosed on the goodshit/APAP. And yes, these types of cum-sucking butt fuckers are the most sue happy fuckmongers that have ever walked the earth since they have no better things to do than to try to get a free fucking lottery ticket from a malpractice suit.
Rinse and repeat about 3 more times and you get to go home for the night and rest comfortably, hopefully wishing that the percofuckingcet supply of your local town has diminished since the previous 12 hour shift.