So I am a brewer, I have been doing this for nearly 10 years. Beer is just not that complicated people. I currently work in a brew pub, which for those not in the know means, we are a restaurant that makes our own beer on sight. That would be me,I am a one man show, and don’t call me a brewmaster! If you do not know what the word means do not use it, and if you want to be punched in the throat than ask me if I am the “Brewmiester” with that shit eating grin on your face and the look in your eyes like I just handed you a $100 bill and told you where to get $2 hand jobs!
So every time I think I have heard it all another customer comes along and gives me more feelings of hopelessness for the future of our species.
Even though the word brewery is in the name of our restaurant and you can see the roughly half a million dollars in equipment I use to make it. Some customers are surprised that we make beer, some even believe that the equipment is not real, just props to make us look like a brewery.
Let me tell you about the difficulties of purchasing a keg. Most of the customers know what to do, order from your server/bartender/hostess. But some need to call me directly in the middle of the day and stop me in the middle of the day to answer their fucktard questions, the conversation usually goes like this…
Customer: Hello I would like to order a keg of beer.
Me: ok what would you like?
Customer: Well what do you have?
Me: I rattle of the 10 to 12 beers I have on.
Customer: Well which one is the best? or Which one is your favorite?
Me: The beer I like may not be something you would like. Why don’t you come in and taste the beers and choose?
Customer: That is a good idea! I will be there…..
Me : (thinking) I don’t give a fuck when you come in.
This customer typically comes in and orders a keg of beer that tastes the most like a Bud/Miller/Coors! I should have just sold him a $100 keg of double IPA!
This is a small brewery I don’t have 10,000 kegs. I have about 30 all together, maybe less. Five gallon kegs are the most popular size ordered by my customers. I have about 10 of those, I never have all 10 at the same time. When you purchase a keg from me that says you get a contract that says you have 60 days to return it or I get to charge your credit card $200. But I don’t. So occasionally, I can not sell you a keg. because I do not have one to put beer into, this is confusing for customers. But don’t tell me to buy more kegs when you bring a half full keg back that you bought 6 months ago and you are pissed you can’t get another one right away!
And, No you can not get your money back for your kegs because your hillbilly back yard wedding did not drink all the beer you bought. If you don’t finish your gallon of milk, you don’t get to take it back to the grocery store! WTF?
Now for the final part of this rant, Anyone who has spent more than a year or two in this industry HATES BEER FESTIVALS! It is the bane of our existence!
First of all, I am not as excited to be here as you are customer. I am not at a beer festival, I am at work, you are at a beer festival. Yes it is true I can drink all day long if I want and as a bonus I am getting paid. But at the end of the day, when you drunks are stumbling out, I have and hour of work left to do, if things go well. and that is before I even leave the festival grounds.
The amazing thing about beer festivals is that the customers seem to be more brainless then when they come into the restaurant, Even before they start drinking!
No matter how many signs I put up at the booth with the list of the 4 beers I brought, No one seems to be able to see them. I still have to tell you what beers I have for you and since I knew you would ask me this, I spoke loudly enough to the customers in front of you so that you and the 5 people in line behind you, can hear what beer I am serving. But it is still a surprise to you!
Sometimes we put up spinning wheel, ya know, like wheel of fortune. Spin the wheel win a prize! Simple enough right?? NO it is not that simple. Most often asked question by these adults with the mental capacity of a really smart dog is…. Which way do I spin it? This should automatically disqualify you for this game, reproduction, and the right to vote!
And finally the most irritating customer of all. The customer who has decided to hold up the entire line, So they can stand there contemplate their beer and tell me what they think of it. Using the 3 or 4 buzz words they have heard to describe my beer to me. In which case they have no idea what the buzzwords mean or how to use them correctly in a sentence.
Look stupid, I can honestly tell you that I am a professional beer taster. No not just because I am a brewer. But because I have been properly trained and tested. I have credentials from 2 different organizations that prove this. In fact if I chose to, I could sit on judging panels for some of the most prestigious beer competitions in the world. Keep your 2 cents you need it much more than I do!
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